This is it. With the NFL Draft right around the corner, I’ve done it. I’ve watched all the film, I’ve read all the reports, and this here, is the best mock draft you’ll ever read. I’m so confident that if even one of these picks is wrong, I’ll never do another mock draft. So wait no longer, because you’re about to read all about who your team is taking in the first round.
To prove how adept I am, read last year’s mock.
The Best Mock Ever (2020 Edition)
1. Cincinnati Bengals: Joe Burrow, Quarterback, LSU
The Bengals might actually hesitate here, because Joe Burrow isn’t quite ginger enough. In some pictures, he’s very obviously a brunet, but in others, he does appear to be a very strawberry blonde. We reached out to both Carson Palmer and Andy Dalton about his ginger status, but neither were available for comment. In any event, Zac Taylor wants to pass the ball, as he proved by setting the record for passing attempts last year, so he takes Burrow here and hopes nobody will notice when they start a box red in week one.
2. Washington Redskins: Chase Young, Edge, THE Ohio State
Okay listen, I know the Washington Redskins are a dumpster fire that never stops burning. I know that since Dan Snyder took over, the franchise has been a punchline that gets fewer laughs than the Joker movie, while being as repulsive and hard to watch as Jared Leto’s Joker, making people long for the previous administration like Heath Ledger’s Joker, but, not even they can mess this up.
Chase Young is the best player in this draft, pound for pound, and even in a satirical meme mock draft, the NFL should take your franchise away if you take literally anyone else here.
3. Detroit Lions: Jeff Okudah, DB, THE Ohio State
SPEAKING OF DUMPSTER FIRE FRANCHISES.
I’m kidding, Lions fans. I wouldn’t actually say that. That would be incredibly rude. Just imagine how offended the other 31 NFL teams would be if I called the Lions a franchise.
I’m just teasing again, I almost had you for a second though, didn’t I?
The Lions are probably going to lose Darius Slay at some point this off-season, so even though they couldn’t pressure opposing quarterbacks, protect their own quarterback, or stop the run in 2019, they’ll replace him with this draft’s best corner. Though he’ll likely threaten to retire before 30/demand a trade when he lines up for his first game and realizes his head coach writes on laminated playsheets with a pencil.
4. New York Giants: Mekhi Becton, OT, Louisville
On paper, the New York Giants should be respectable. They have someone they believe is a franchise quarterback in Daniel Jones, they have a dynamic tight end in Evan Engram, they have an elite talent at tailback in Saquon Barkley, and in a WR class like this, they should be able to get a quality player in the second round.
It feels like forever since the Giants had a respectable offensive line, and as OT1 in this draft, they simply can’t afford to pass up on him here.
5. Miami Dolphins: TRADE
Look, I mocked them to trade in 2018 and 2019, so that’s not going to change here. They have two other picks in this draft, how did they get them? That’s right, TRADES. They trade this first to themselves for this pick.
Sadly, by the time all the trades get figured out, it’s like that part in The Hobbit (the book, NERDS), where the trolls argue all night and turn to stone at daybreak, as the pick expires.
6. Los Angeles Chargers: Tua Tagovailoa, QB, Alabama
Wouldn’t it be the most Chargers move ever, of all time, to take someone who is already injured? Why draft someone and force them to go through the rigors of training camp and the preseason before getting hurt when you can draft a guy who is already on the PUP list? Don’t worry, this won’t stop every analyst on earth from picking the Chargers to take the AFC West, and it definitely won’t stop them from finishing at the bottom of the division anyway.
7. Carolina Panthers: Justin Herbert, QB, Oregon
With the seventh overall pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the Christian McCarolina Panthers select quarterback, Justin Herbert, Oregon. Herbert is perfectly suited to run Carolina’s trademark offense, which is to get Christian McCaffrey the ball, literally any way that you can. Herbert replaces Will Grier, the man that NFL.com called “the worst quarterback in football” and Kyle Allen, who realized with a name like Kyle Allen, he should’ve been driving for NASCAR this whole time.
8. Arizona Cardinals: Jedrick Willis, OT, Alabama
As cool as it looked for Kyler Murray to be running for his life last year, the team probably wants to think about building an offensive line for him. They take Willis from Alabama to shore up that line, and we see if Murray can continue the trend of second-year quarterbacks making the leap ala Patrick Mahomes and Lamar Jackson.
9. Jacksonville Jaguars: Jordan Love, QB, Utah State
The Jacksonville Jaguars just can’t seem to get it right at quarterback, can they? Byron Leftwich never panned out, David Garrard couldn’t stay healthy, Blaine Gabbert never panned out, Blake Bortles was a bust, Nick Foles can only thrive in Philadelphia, and Gardner Minshew was more meme than messiah.
So instead of going after someone that wouldn’t pan out like the big, athletic, if raw prospects in Leftwich, Gabbert, or Foles, they select Jordan Love, who is definitely none of those things, and time isn’t a flat circle at all.
10. Cleveland Browns: A Friend for Baker Mayfield, Literally Anyone from Anywhere, Please
Has anyone had a rougher couple of years than Baker Mayfield? Nobody seems to like the guy, from Colin Cowherd to Mike Silver to Hue Jackson to allegedly, his own teammates. After he inspired a ton of hope as a rookie, he went to bat for head coach Freddie Kitchens and, without mincing words, it was a disaster. Then, it started coming out that, and we’re not TMZ here at BroSports, my name’s Paul (it’s not), that’s between y’all (it is), maybe Baker has spent too much time at the Cheesecake Factory.
So with the tenth pick in the draft, the Browns get Baker Mayfield a friend. Maybe he’s a receiver, maybe he’s an offensive lineman, it doesn’t really matter. Give this guy someone to hang out with. Please.
11. New York Jets: Jerry Jeudy, Wide Receiver, Alabama
Finally, Sam Darnold gets a real number one to throw at. Robbie Anderson showed flashes of potential, but he’s nowhere near as polished a route-runner as the Crimson Tide product. For the first time in a long time, the AFC East feels wide open, and Gang Green finally has a chance to win it.
Unfortunately for the Jets, Darnold is going to miss the first week or two of the season. Believe it or not, at the end of August, he contracted a nasty case of the Chicken Pox. Who would’ve thought, a grown man getting a children’s disease? It’s a wacky world we live in.
12. Las Vegas Raiders: Not Isaiah Simmons, Everything, Clemson
Even though the most versatile player in this draft, Isaiah Simmons, is still available at 12, the Raiders don’t take him. Instead, they take an offensive lineman or a tailback, something they don’t even kinda need. They might take one of the wide receivers, but I promise he’ll be the only one in this draft that won’t pan out, at least, not until he’s traded to another team.
Simmons could’ve solved the decade long void at linebacker, while also giving them a nickle corner and safety, but instead, mark my words, they take some receiver with a fast forty with literal bricks for hands or a tailback that wastes away behind Josh Jacobs.
13. Indianapolis Colts: Yes Isaiah Simmons, Everything, Clemson
Just imagine a defensive front boasting Isaiah Simmons, whoever the Colts sign with their seemingly unlimited cap space, Justin Houston, Jabaal Sheard, Malik Hooker, and Darius Leonard. I know the team needs a quarterback, but the elite prospects are off the table, and the “good drafting bible” says you always take the best player available, which Simmons is.
14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Whoever Philip Rivers Wants
Let’s be real, Philip Rivers is basically already a Tampa Bay Buccaneer. He’s legally still a Los Angeles Charger, but it wouldn’t surprise me at all if he was signed in burgundy or maroon or whatever the hell kind of red the Buccaneers are before the first day of the new year is over. This will elate Bruce Arians, who finally has a quarterback that won’t turn the ball over 42 times, so he’ll just let Rivers draft whoever he wants.
Meanwhile, he’ll probably buy a new cangol hat. How about this one @Bruce?
15. Denver Broncos: CeeDee Lamb, WR, Oklahoma
Wow, what a twist, Oklahoma’s CeeDee Lamb, a bonafide top 12 pick, falls all the way to 15 in this mock. Insanity. But now that John Elway‘s decade-long search for a quarterback appears to be over (Drew Lock averaged only 204 yards a game, but at least he beat the Raiders!), he needs some weapons on offense. Supposedly, Noah Fant is going to show up someday, and Courtland Sutton actually looks decent, but Lamb gives the Broncos the perfect weapon for Lock to underthrow in their bi-annual blowout loss to Kansas City.
16. Atlanta Falcons: K’Lavon Chaisson, Edge, LSU
This isn’t a great draft class for edge rushers, it really isn’t, but Chaisson might be the second best option, and I’m just tired of the Falcons being this bad for seemingly no reason. They’re going to move on from Vic Beasley, a raw pass rusher that never seemed to put it all together, and take a very athletic, if raw, pass rush- oh…
17. Dallas Cowboys: Henry Ruggs III, WR, Alabama
Jerry Jones really gave Jon Gruden a first round pick for Amari Cooper and lost him in less than two calendar years. So much for all those “hE wAs WoRtH iT” takes. They’ll probably lure Dak Prescott back, but Amari is GONE. So they try to replace him with the speedster from Alabama. Close enough?
18. Miami Dolphins (From Pittsburgh Steelers): A DB That Isn’t As Good As Minkah Fitzpatrick
Minkah Fitzpatrick in 18 games as a Miami Dolphin- Two interceptions, nine pass deflections, a forced fumble, and a touchdown.
Minkah Fitzpatrick in 14 games as a Pittsburgh Steeler- Five interceptions, nine pass deflections, a forced fumble, and a touchdown.
When The Dolphins traded Laremy Tunsil and Fitzpatrick away, they assumed they’d be getting higher picks than this, but then again, if a player is worth a first round pick, they’re probably going to make a big impact on the team. Miami was hoping to get a quarterback here, but instead they’ll settle for a playmaking defensive back… that isn’t as good as the one they traded.
And I mean really, who out there is going to waste a first round pick on Jake Fromm?
19. Las Vegas Raiders (From Chicago Bears): Jake Fromm, Quarterback, Georgia
Raider Nation was so sick of Derek Carr, and I don’t blame them. He was too conservative, never made plays with his legs, and completely disappeared in big games. He went 18 games without throwing for 300 yards! Ridiculous!
So instead, Mayock and Gruden go out and draft Jake Fromm, a very conservative quarterback that never makes plays with his legs and completely disappears in big games. He only went 15 games (and counting) without breaking 300 yards! Take that, Carrdashians!
20. Jacksonville Jaguars (From Los Angeles Rams): A DB That Isn’t As Good As Jalen Ramsey
This tweet from Ross Tucker really says it all.
With their first pick, they attempted to fix the disaster under center, and with their second, they try to replace the disaster they traded to Los Angeles. At least Tom Coughlin is gone? And the funny mustache guy is still there? The stadium has a pool? I’m trying guys, I’m sorry.
21. Philadelphia Eagles: Laviska Shenault, WR, Colorado
This is a great receiver class, the Philadelphia Eagles need wide receivers. That Super Bowl run was long, long ago, and it’s getting further and further in the past. Laviska Shenault is a big, physical receiver, and he gives Carson Wentz someone he can trust.
22. Buffalo Bills: D-Von Dudley, Dudley, Dudleyville
Bills fans, I’m not going to lie to you, the future is hit-or-miss. I like the head coach, I like the defense, I like the backfield. There are things to like about this team, but I don’t think Josh Allen is one of them. I just don’t trust him as a quarterback, I’m sorry.
Jameis Winston basically threw Allen’s entire career this season, and he has more games with three turnovers (four) or even four turnovers (one) than 300 yard passing games (zero). He’s wildly inconsistent and just isn’t making great strides as a passer.
So the Bills go out and get D-Von Dudley. Because while I don’t think Allen can win the big game for you, he can give you plenty of reasons to go through tables, and I promise you, nobody’s better at getting the tables than D-Von.
23. New England Patriots: Jalen Reagor, Wide Receiver, TCU
Part of Tom Brady‘s alleged interest in leaving New England is the team’s lack of weapons. N’Keal Harry should be healthy this year, Julian Edelman isn’t going anywhere, they’ve got depth in the backfield, and it wouldn’t surprise me if they signed a playmaker in free agency as well. But the speedster from TCU survived dreadful quarterback play last year to put up adequate numbers, and Brady would love that speed.
24. New Orleans Saints: Charlie Kelly, Wild Card, Philadelphia
Who Dat Nation (ew), meet Charlie Kelly. Charlie Kelly is a wildcard. You might think, “who needs a wild card?” or “wild card’s aren’t important!” but that’s where you’re wrong, bucko. You only have so many runs with Drew Brees left, and I promise you, as much as you like Taysom Hill, he’s not Lamar Jackson. With Charlie Kelly, maybe you can actually advance to the second round of the playoffs.
25. Minnesota Vikings: C.J. Henderson, DB, Florida
The Minnesota Vikings are gonna be strapped for cash this off-season and experiencing a cornerback exodus as Xavier Rhodes might be on the way out and Trae Waynes, Mackensie Alexander, and Marcus Sherels are on their way to free agency. This isn’t a particularly strong corner class, but Henderson isn’t bad. He’s athletically gifted, very physical, and his issues seem to be coachable.
26. Miami Dolphins (Houston Texans): TRADE
Yeah, you thought this was a one-time thing? Nah. They’re gonna stay trading like Pokemon cards. To who? I dunno. For what? Beats me. Shouldn’t the team that trades for the pick select someone here? Probably. Do I care? Nope.
27. Seattle Seahawks: Bryce Hall, CB, Virginia
Tell me Pete Carroll doesn’t look at Bryce Hall and see every corner he’s ever fallen in love with. He’s long, physical, and doesn’t shy away from a tackle. If Hall is there at 27, I’d be shocked to see the Hawks pass on him, especially with every other position of need essentially depleted.
28. Baltimore Ravens: Justin Jefferson, WR, LSU
As much as I love Baltimore’s tight end room, and I do, I really do, and I love Marquise Brown‘s upside, this team does not have a number one receiver. And if we’re going to see an increase in teams forcing Lamar Jackson to stay in the pocket and play quarterback, he’s going to need more reliable receivers than Seth Roberts.
29. Tennessee Titans: No Pick, Only Henry
You think Titans make pick? No pick. Only Derrick Henry. Henry Smash.
30. Green Bay Packers: Kenneth Murray, Linebacker, Oklahoma
The Packers are going to lose most of their linebacker room this year in free agency, and with Simmons long, long gone, they target Sooner Murray, the most pro-ready backer in the draft. If Murray is still there at 30, it’s too easy for the Green and Gold.
31. San Francisco 49ers: Time Expires
Someone tells Kyle Shanahan that they’re in the “fourth quarter” of the draft, and he completely melts down. He starts shouting out the names of passing plays, and John Lynch is horrified. A scout suggests a running back, but at the mere thought of running the ball, he bursts into tears. The time expires and the Chiefs are on the clock.
32. Kansas City Chiefs: Anfernee Mullins, Defensive End, Grambling State
Congratulations to all-around good guy, future Hall of Fame head coach Andy Reid. He finally won a Super Bowl, and he did it the right way. He hasn’t cheated like Bill Belichick or interfered like Mike Tomlin. He didn’t take ten years off to make TV money like Jon Gruden, Reid did it with class.
It’s not like he’s gone out of his way to employ people with a history of assault against women like Tyreek Hill, Terrell Suggs, Frank Clark, Roy Miller, Justin Cox, or Kareem Hunt. It’s not like De’Anthony Thomas, Kevin Pierre-Louis, Demetrius Harris, Khaseem Greene, or other Chiefs have been arrested for varius crimes during his time with the team.
Anyway, the Chiefs take Anfernee Mullins, a defensive end from Grambling State that most teams wouldn’t touch because of his off the field issues, but man, isn’t Patrick Mahomes fun to watch?!
Narcissistic Penguin 