Praise be to Uncle Dave Meltzer, it is I, the AEW indie mark they warned you about. I knew about all your favorite superstars first, Roman Reigns can’t outwork Kazuchika Okada, and your favorite match was trash, but it would be five stars if it happened in the Tokyo Dome.
Okay, okay, it’s not that deep. I’d be lying if I said my love of pro wrestling wasn’t born in Vince McMahon’s house of graps. I did the Triple H spit-take in the shower just like everyone else, and as much as I praise AEW, I still mark out when they bring in WWE mid-carders. I certainly have my issues with the way WWE does business, and their main roster booking remains a disaster, but there’s no disputing who the number one “sports entertainment” company is.
I’m not saying AEW is better than WWE, just that I enjoy it more, and as I get older and grumpier, I have less and less time to commit to watching grown men (AND WOMEN) pretend to fight for belts when nobody wears pants. That isn’t to say I never watch WWE. I’ll watch the odd pay per view when it comes on, and I never miss the Royal Rumble or WrestleMania.
So with the smallest amount of context, here are my predictions for the results of all the announced WrestleMania matches this year, as of 3:16 on April 4th, 2021.
An AEW Mark’s WrestleMania 37 Predictions
Cesaro vs. Seth Rollins
So, I have absolutely no context for why this match is happening. Cesaro is upset that Seth Rollins is being a dick, so he’s swinging him? Are we sure this isn’t a shoot? Kidding, kidding… mostly.
Can you believe this is Cesaro’s first single’s match at WrestleMania? That is absurd to me. He and Rollins can both absolutely go, and they’ve been wrestling each other since 2008. This is going to be an incredible show opener and I can’t wait. I bet the meat of the match is Cesaro trying to swing Rollins, with the dastardly heel escaping every time until ultimately, the Swiss Cyborg (do they still call him that?) sends him on a ride and gets the feel-good win at Mania.
This bout doesn’t really have any stakes, so having the heel win wouldn’t really do much, especially since Vince won’t give us heel Rollins vs. heel Roman for the title any time soon. But heel Roman vs. babyface Cesaro…
Braun Strowman vs. Shane McMahon (Steel Cage Match)
Pick: Braun Strowman
Remember all the nice stuff I said about the Cesaro vs. Rollins match? This is the opposite of that. Boy, the things this company does to attract the imaginary lapsed casual fan that REALLY wants to see Shane McMahon in a match. I wouldn’t put it past WWE to put Shane over here, but I really, really, really hope they don’t. For all the talk about how WWE is the land of the giants, they book their giants horribly. I honestly forgot that Strowman was Universal Champion, even though I watched more WWE during lockdown than I have in the last five years.
Shane takes a big, stupid, dumb-dumb bump, but ultimately Braun gets the win.
Bad Bunny w/Damien Priest vs. The Miz w/John Morrison
Pick: Bad Bunny
Remember all the nice stuff I said about the Cesaro vs. Rollins match? This is the opposite of that. Boy, the things this company does to attract the imaginary lapsed casual fan that REALLY wants to see Bad Bunny in a wrestling ring. Here’s to Miz dominating most of the match, the Bunny getting one good move in, Morrison breaking it up, Damien Priest destroying Morrison, and Bad Bunny rolling up a distracted Miz. I’m taking prop bets on this one, tweet at me (@RyFitHere) and we can exchange Ca$hApp’s.
The New Day (C) vs. AJ Styles and Omos (Raw Tag Team Championship Match)
Pick: The New Day
I guess? This is Omos’ first match, right? He’s just been AJ’s bodyguard until this point. This feels like around the time they’d have the bodyguard go all Darth Vader and throw his boss down an open chute. It would be cool if they finally pulled the trigger on that Xavier Woods heel turn, but gotta keep collecting New Day merch money, I suppose.
Sasha Banks (C) vs. Bianca Belair (SmackDown Women’s Championship)
Pick: Bianca Belair
I, as someone that doesn’t watch WWE TV all that often, knew Bianca was winning the women’s Royal Rumble this year. It just made too much sense, and there’s no reason to rob her of her big moment here. She wins and officially rises to superstar level on the main roster.
Bobby Lashley (C) vs. Drew McIntyre (WWE Championship)
Pick: Drew McIntyre
They literally put the belt on someone other than Drew so that he could have his coronation (TAKE THREE) in front of people. I like Drew. I think he’s been very underrated for most of his career, and it sucks that his time as the face of Raw has taken place in front of creepy computer screens. But c’mon, this is so transparent. The actual champion to transitional champion ratio over the last year on Raw is BUSTED.
Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn
Pick: Kevin Owens
I’ve been to a dozen Ring of Honor shows. I was at the very first episode of Dynamite. I’ve been to my fair share of “alternative” wrestling shows. To this day, the best match I ever watched in person was Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn at WWE Battlegrounds in, I wanna say, 2015. Whatever year they had the Shield Triple Threat. It was a fantastic match, and these two just make magic together. It’ll be a fun match, and just like the other Ring of Honor showcase from night one, I see no reason why the babyface doesn’t get the feel-good win.
The Fiend vs. Randy Orton
Pick: The Fiend
As of this writing, this isn’t a gimmick match. That makes no sense to me. What’s the point of having this character if you’re not going to do fun gimmicky bullshit? If this is a straight up match, I’ll be more than a little disappointed. Just make it falls count anywhere, have them brawl into the back, and then play something pre-recorded. The Firefly Funhouse match was my favorite bout last year.
Anyway, the Fiend is just the Bray Wyatt revenge tour, so he gets the win. Inb4 he shows up in NXT and attacks Wade Barrett.
Matt Riddle (C) vs. Sheamus (United States Championship)
I am the lone member of the Matt Riddle fan club. Maybe it’s because this website was called BroSports at one point, and I unironically say Bro 67,000 times a day, but I can’t help it, I’m a fan. That doesn’t change the fact that he’s catching a brogue kick in under 10 minutes. But hey, the last time that happened to a guy at Mania, it worked out pretty well for him in the long run.
BRING ON THE BRO MOVEMENT.
Big E (C) vs. Apollo Crews (Intercontinental Championship)
Pick: Big E
I like Apollo Crews a whole hell of a lot, and this is going to be a fantastic match, but it’s just not time to take the belt off of Big E. I think Big E could be a challenger for the Universal Championship at next year’s Mania, and it’s just too soon to have him lose the strap. This is going to be a fun one, but ultimately Big E has to retain.
Asuka (C) vs. Rhea Ripley (Raw Women’s Championship)
Pick: Rhea Ripley
I’m shaky about this one. There have never been anything sensible about the way WWE books their women. Rhea Ripley 100% should’ve beaten Charlotte last year, but they REALLY THOUGHT CHARLOTTE WOULD GIVE NXT THE EDGE OVER DYNAMITE (laughing while crying emoji).
But honestly, Rhea deserves a big win after basically putting everyone over on the way out of NXT and not getting the win she deserved last year. Asuka has been champ (to my knowledge) since Money in the Bank last year saw Becky Lynch vacate her title.
Roman Reigns (C) vs. Edge vs. Daniel Bryan (Universal Championship)
Pick: Roman Reigns
As someone that has actively booed Roman Reigns for the better part of a decade, I have to admit… head of the table Roman Reigns is fucking awesome. I don’t know why it took them almost ten years to realize the cool, confident badass Joe Anoa’i is a much better character than a perpetually wet combat John Cena, but it just works.
Without getting sentimental about how much adversity all three men in this match have overcome, and how great it is that they get the real (sorry Drew) main event, can we talk about how stupid it is that they turned Edge heel because he looks old? Vince, he’s 47, what did you think he was going to look like? Dude debuted during the Attitude Era.
Anyway, does Daniel Bryan need this win? No. Does Edge need this win? No. Does it give Edge’s title run a little extra gravitas to have him beat two multiple time world champions and WrestleMania main eventers? Absolutely. If Edge and Daniel Bryan can’t beat Roman, who the hell can?!