I’m gonna get to the bottom of this. As someone who has made a decent amount of money arguing about arbitrary bullshit, I am so tired of arguments that solely exist for argument’s sake. There are so many arguments that don’t hold a shred of real weight. Is Die Hard a Christmas Movie? Is it a Bold Faced Lie or a Bald Faced Lie? Is a Hot Dog a sandwich? Today, I’m solving all of these questions, unequivocally, once and for all, and nobody is ever allowed to make a big fuss about it again or my lawyers will come take your dog.
Does Pineapple Belong on Pizza and the Answers the Internet Can’t Find
Does Pineapple Belong on Pizza?
Before the invention of the thing we know and love as pizza, there was focaccia. Focaccia is very similar to pizza, with the amount of dough really determining the difference. Pizza exploded into mainstream popularity in the 19th century, with the biggest advertising point being the addition of, you guessed it, toppings.
The closest thing an agnostic has to Jesus, Raffaele Esposito, is best known as the first pizza chef in 1905. He did not use the conventional toppings like sausage or pepperoni. Pepperoni didn’t touch a pizza for another 11 years until a New York Pizzeria tried in 1916. Pineapple didn’t become a normal pizza topping until Sam Panopoulos got creative with the “Hawaiian Pizza” in the early 60’s.
So, if we’re asking whether or not pizza was intended to be topped with pineapple, we have to decide whether or not pizza was ever meant to have toppings at all. Pineapple is just as sacrilegious as pepperoni in this sense. Then again, sometimes the creator is wrong. For instance…
G-if or J-If?
Hey listen, I’m gonna make this really simple, I don’t care what Steve Wilhite said, it’s gif. Ya know why it’s gif and not jif? Because it’s not jraphics interchange format. It’s graphics interchange format. Sure, he’s the inventor, but I’m the owner of this website, and if I say penguin is actually pronounced the way that Benedict Cumberbatch says it, that doesn’t change the way literally everyone else who has ever lived says it.
Is a Hot Dog a Sandwich?
The definition of sandwich is “two or more slices of bread or a split roll having a filling in between.” Do you not put the dog in between the two halves of a split roll? That, by it’s very nature, makes it a sandwich. The argument that you can’t get a hot dog at Subway and that you wouldn’t ask a hot dog vendor for a sandwich is irrelevant. By the very definition of sandwich, a hot dog is a sandwich. All hot dogs are sandwiches but not all sandwiches are hot dogs.
Is Die Hard a Christmas Movie?
The entirety of the iconic action movie, Die Hard, starring Bruce Willis, takes place on Christmas Eve, leading into Christmas morning. I watch Die Hard every single Christmas, as do thousands of people around the country, so is it fair to call it a Christmas movie? I can’t believe I’m saying this, but… no.
Die Hard is based on Nothing Lasts Forever, an action thriller novel by Roderick Thorp. The book, a lifeless, miserable, ugly read. Just like Terminator 2 proved that sometimes the sequel is better, Nothing Lasts Forever proves that sometimes, you can skip the book. This lifeless husk of a book is decidedly not a Christmas read, the movie could’ve easily taken place on Thanksgiving or April Fool’s Day and it wouldn’t have impacted the plot, it takes place in sunny California, and the movie was a Summer blockbuster. A Christmas tradition? Sure. A Christmas movie? No.
Bold or Bald Faced Lie?
“My ex-girlfriend came right up to me and told me a bald faced lie?” vs. “even though I knew the truth, she still look me in the eyes and told me a bold faced lie.”
It is a bald faced lie. The term originated as early as 1948, whereas bold faced didn’t appear until the late 80’s, likely as a misunderstanding. Liars have been referred to as “barefaced” as early as the 16th century, and it’s slowly evolved from there. Ironically, it is the boldness of being barefaced, or completely up-front and committed to a lie.
In Summation
All these debates are subjective stupidity. You can spend Christmas putting pineapples on your hot dog watching Die Hard jifs, and there’s not a god damn sole that can accuse you of being a bold face liar. Live your best life, booboo.
…just remember that I’m right and you’re wrong and that’s all that matters.
Narcissistic Penguin 
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