This is it. With the NFL Draft right around the corner, I’ve done it. I’ve watched all the film, I’ve read all the reports, and this here, is the best mock draft you’ll ever read. I’m so confident that if even one of these picks is wrong, I’ll never do another mock draft. So wait no longer, because you’re about to read all about who your team is taking in the first round.

The Best Mock Ever (2018 Edition)

1. The Cleveland Browns: The Wrong Quarterback

Despite the fact that this appears to be a loaded quarterback class, the Cleveland Browns will spend the first pick in the 2018 NFL draft on the worst one. Maybe it’s a wild pick like Baker Mayfield or Josh Allen, or maybe Sam Darnold and Josh Rosen aren’t as good as everyone thinks they are. Or, maybe, the Cleveland Browns are just cursed, and even Tom Brady couldn’t save them.

2. The New York Giants: Offensive Lineman, Orlando Brown, Oklahoma

The New York Giants do address their biggest need, offensive line, but they do so by taking the worst offensive lineman in draft history, Orlando Brown. I mean, this guy has it all. Questionable film? Check. Bad interview? Check. Historically bad combine results? Check. Line him up opposite Ereck Flowers and get ready for an Eli Manning retirement press conference in October.

3. The New York Jets: An Injury-Prone Quarterback

You don’t trade up into the top five unless you’re going after a quarterback, and that’s exactly what the Jets are gonna do, and just like the Cleveland Browns, they’re going to completely miss this pick. Not because of him, but because the Jets just won’t be able to protect him or give him weapons, and while he’ll show flashes of potential, he’ll just never get it together.

4. The Cleveland Browns: Tailback, Saquon Barkley, Penn State

Saquon Barkley is a Madden create-a-player. He’s got an unfathomable combination of size, speed, and strength. This kid checks all the boxes and some experts have even compared him to Barry Sanders because he’s just so explosive. However, if you ask me, he reminds me more of Ricky Williams than Sanders, just because of his size. That’s why, just like Barry and Williams, he’s going to be drafted by a terrible team with no help, dominate for a second, and then retire way too soon.

5. The Denver Broncos: Who?

The Denver Broncos have pretty much tapped out of the quarterback rat race. The elite prospects will likely be gone by the time pick number five rolls around, and John Elway insists Case Keenum is his guy, so they’re looking elsewhere. Do they take Bradley Chubb, arguably the best pass rusher in this draft? Nah. Do they take Denzel Ward, the draft’s best corner? Nope. This is the same franchise that took Paxton Lynch with a first round pick, so Elway, in all his brilliance, takes Juan Sánchez Villa-Lobos Ramírez, a corner from Greendale Community College, that nobody has ever heard of.

6. The Indianapolis Colts: Quarterback, Andrew Luck, Stanford

Quarterback Andrew Luck hasn’t thrown a pass since January of 2017, and the Indianapolis Colts are absolutely sick of it. When healthy, Luck is a top five quarterback in the NFL, but he just hasn’t been healthy in forever. He missed most of the 2015 season, and the entire 2017 season, so the Colts go for broke and tell the commissioner they want a do-over. I’m not sure how this will work out for Peyton’s pals, but I respect their moxey.

7. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers: An Actual Pirate

Does it bother anyone else that they have a pirate ship that shoots cannons every time they score, but they don’t have a pirate up there? The Jacksonville Jaguars have a pool and actual puppies, you’ve gotta up the ante, Tampa Bay, you already missed out on the Gruden sweepstakes, you’ve gotta go out there and get a real pirate.

Or a quarterback that doesn’t wanna “eat a W” before losing a football game, I dunno.

8. The Chicago Bears: Offensive Lineman,Quenton Nelson, Notre Dame

Chicago, look at me. Seriously, stop what you’re doing, the Cubs game will still be on, I just need your attention for five seconds. Do this. If Nelson falls to you at eight, and you don’t take him, then I’m officially changing my stance to LeBron>MJ. Not kidding. Don’t drop this ball. Seriously.

9. The San Francisco 49ers: Linebacker, Roquan Smith, Georgia

Ever since the San Francisco 49ers traded for converted male model, Jimmy Garoppolo, they’ve been undefeated. They’ve won five games in a row, and even beat the Oakland Raiders in the coin toss. They simply can’t lose… except when it comes to Reuben Foster, who decided he’d rather be a scumbag than a football player, and has given the team a reason to draft another player. Man, if you search “49ers linebacker arrested” on the internet, it takes a while to find what you’re looking for.

10. The Oakland Raiders: A Bust Defensive Back

Despite the fact that the Oakland Raiders have glaring needs at inside linebacker, defensive line, and right tackle, they’ll do that Reggie McKenzie thing, where he either finds a stud or takes a defensive back that’s allergic to grass, pigskin, and Tyreek Hill for some reason while I stare at the bottom of yet another empty bottle, wondering why I put up with this team every single year.

11. The Miami Dolphins: TRADE

Yes, my mock does have trades, and it sends Cameron Wake and the 11th overall pick across town to the Miami Sharks for quarterback, Jack “Cap” Rooney, continuing their off-season long quest of purging the roster of talent.

When asked for comment, Rooney simply stated, “that movie came out twenty years ago, just leave me alone.”

12. The Buffalo Bills: The Best Quarterback Available

Don’t look at me, I didn’t make the first 11 picks, but somehow, the best quarterback in the draft is gonna be available at #12, and the Buffalo Bills are actually going to take him. It won’t matter because Tom Brady is a robot sent from the future to destroy fun, and he won’t be going anywhere, but at least Bills fans will have something entertaining on in the background as they put themselves through tables.

13. The Washington Redskins: Defensive Lineman, Vita Vea, Washington

He’ll probably be here at 13, and I’d be astonished if the Redskins didn’t take him. Sure, they could address the secondary or find a young quarterback to sit behind ugly Ryan Gosling, but they need some help in the middle, and Vita Vea, whose really name is Tevita Tuliakiono Tuipuloto Mosese Va’hae Faletau Vea, is that dude. Trust me Redskins, this is what you want.

14. The Green Bay Packers: Literally Any Corner

Have you looked at Green Bay’s depth chart? I mean, have you looked at who is playing corner for them? If they don’t draft one here, I’m gonna drive up to Green Bay and try out for the job. Aaron Rodgers is gonna have a blast coming back from injury against this secondary in practice.

15. The Arizona Cardinals: The Oldest Player In The Draft

The Arizona Cardinals are ancient. They’ve got Sam Bradford and Larry Fitzgerald, they may still bring Adrian Peterson back, and I could’ve sworn I saw Roger Wehrli in the building last week. Whoever the oldest player in this draft is, I hope he likes TexMex and defending the #YearOfPluto.

16. The Baltimore Ravens: A Bored Quarterback

When the Baltimore Ravens signed Joe Flacco to a massive contract, they ruined the quarterback market for everyone. If you might be a franchise quarterback, a team will give you a massive deal, a corvette, and a VHS of Star Wars, unedited. Thanks a lot, Joe. So they’ll try this again, this time with an equally apathetic quarterback that may or may not contribute, depending how many receivers over the age of 30 the Ravens have on the roster at the time.

17. The Los Angeles Chargers: A Good Doctor

This team should easily win the AFC West in 2018. The Raiders have holes, the Chiefs have a gimmick at quarterback, and the Broncos aren’t getting any younger. The Chargers are the most complete team in the division, and if they could just stay healthy, they could probably make a competitive run. So with the 17th pick, they get a doctor who can actually help players heal during the season.

18. The Seattle Seahawks: Anything on Defense

I can see it now, Russell Wilson, leaning forward as Seattle comes up on the big screen, nervously anticipating the pick. Will he get a true number one receiver? Will they fix the offensive line? Will the Seahawks finally get a back to replace Marshawn Lynch?

Nope. Someone on defense, good luck running for your life yet again, Mr. Wilson.

19. The Dallas Cowboys: Nobody

Out of spite for the Roger Goodell vs. Jerry Jones “hand” measuring contest last year, the Dallas Cowboys take up their entire pick without taking anyone. Take that, Rog, you can’t suspend someone if we don’t draft them!

20. The Detroit Lions: Wide Receiver, Calvin Johnson, Georgia Tech

Instead of making a selection at #20, the brass from Detroit will be outside of Megatron’s house, wearing a trench coat, holding a stereo over their heads as it plays “Careless Whisper” at an inappropriate level of volume, hoping he’ll come back for one season, giving this team something to be excited about.

21. The Cincinnati Bengals: Cornerback, Holton Hill, Texas

The Cincinnati Bengals are gonna scout the entire draft to find the player that best fills a need, and for me, I think that player is Texas corner, Holton Hill. Ignoring the fact that he’s got great size and athletic ability, Hill was suspended for six games last year after failing a drug test. He’ll fit right in alongside Joe Mixon and Vontaze Burfict on that Bengals roster.

22. The Buffalo Bills: Tailback, Sony Michel, Georgia

Seriously, Buffalo? You’re probably going to trade this pick, alongside with LeSean McCoy to get into the top 5 for a quarterback, but if you don’t, and things go as I’ve said here, take Michel. He’s versatile, he’s talented, and he’s not 90 years old like Shady. Give your young quarterback a great tailback to work with.

23. The New England Patriots: Tight End, Mike Gesicki, Penn State

Rob Gronkowski can’t sneeze without tearing 58 muscles in his back, contemplating retirement, and winning the WWE Championship, so the Patriots look toward the future with freak athlete tight end, Mike Gesicki from Penn State, dooming the AFC East to another six years of winter.

24. The Carolina Panthers: Another Tailback

What’s that? They already have Christian McCaffrey? Nah, he’s the team’s leading receiver. Huh? They should just draft a receiver and let McCaffrey play the position he played in college? Nah, I’m not about that. Instead, Carolina’s offense will be 99% check downs and screens, occasionally running McCaffrey out of the shotgun with no help.

25. The Tennessee Titans: Wide Receiver, Equanimeous St. Brown, Notre Dame

For the love o’ Pete, give Marcus Mariota a receiver so he doesn’t have to throw himself the ball in the endzone anymore. Corey Davis might be fine, but we just haven’t seen enough film to go with him yet. So the Titans get the best name in the draft and welcome the NFL’s version of the Ball family into the league. Seriously, YouTube those guys, it’s gonna be a blast.

26. The Atlanta Falcons: Someone That Can Break Up Important Passes

Because you never know when you’ll need a defensive back that can actually break up important passes. Imagine that it’s an important game, maybe in the post-season, and a receiver, say, Julian Edelman, has basically dropped a pass. You need a corner that can make sure the play actually stays incomplete. He doesn’t have to work all the time, just in the important moments. Maybe not 24/7, but definitely 28/3.

27. The New Orleans Saints: Tight End, Hayden Hurst, South Carolina

The Saints were reportedly in on getting their ex, Jimmy Graham, back, but things didn’t pan out, so they go elsewhere and grab the most complete tight end in the draft. Hayden Hurst checks more boxes than any other tight end in this draft class, and with such a weak receiver group, the Saints grab a guy that will play a huge part in their road to the Super Bowl, and yes, that’s a sincere prediction, I’m sorry.

28. The Pittsburgh Steelers: Wide Receiver, Calvin Ridley, Alabama

The Steelers just don’t have any receivers. I can’t name a single receiver on that team, and it’s a real problem. They need someone like Julio Jones, ya know? They need a top five receiver, to kinda help Ben Roethlisberger out as he slips into retirement. They could also use a big burner, someone who can streak down the sideline and pull safeties away from Le’Veon Bell. And it wouldn’t hurt if they had another receiver, maybe someone with a youthful enthusiasm and a love for the game. It wouldn’t surprise me if they went receiver with each of their first three picks, starting with scrawnier, less athletic Amari Cooper.

29. The Jacksonville Jaguars: The Most Important Player in This Draft

The Jacksonville Jaguars can not afford to miss with this pick. Listen to me, if they botch this, it’s back to the mediocrity where they’ve lived for the vast majority of their existence. Maybe it’s a linebacker to replace Paul Posluszny, maybe it’s another offensive lineman to shore up that unit, and maybe it’s a quarterback that… ya know… isn’t Blake Bortles. A good pick, and maybe this team can compete with New England, a bad pick, and they get to be the new San Diego Chargers, if you get my meaning.

30. The Minnesota Vikings: Quarterback, Lamar Jackson, Louisville

Sure, they just gave Kirk Cousins a massive, completely guaranteed contract, but ya know, wouldn’t it be ironic that the man who was drafted the same year, by the same team as Robert Griffin III would find himself competing with a flashier, more exciting quarterback yet again? Plus, if the last few years have taught us anything, it’s that the Minnesota Vikings believe two (or even three) quarterbacks are better than one.

31. The New England Patriots: Some White Guy I’ve Never Heard Of

That seems racist, but let’s be real, that’s what’s gonna happen. They’re gonna draft some QB/WR/S/CB/LB/BLT/LOL from Rutgers with a name like Dan Smith, all the scouts are gonna be baffled, and then in next year’s AFC Championship game, he’ll have 200 rushing yards and pick off Blake Bortles three times. Stupid Patriots.

32. The Philadelphia Eagles: A Defensive Lineman

Yeah, ya know, I tried to figure out how to make the Eagles better, and I noticed they have a glaring hole at defensive line. They’ve only got Tim Jernigan, Chris Long, Derek Barnett, Fletcher Cox, Brandon Graham, Michael Bennett, and Haloti Ngata, and I’m just wondering, who the heck is gonna get after the quarterback?! Definitely defensive line. Bank on it.

So that’s it! That’s how the first round of the 2018 NFL draft is going to go, how did you like it? Are you upset about who your team took? Thrilled? Confused? Haha, me too. But thanks to me and my brilliant mock, you don’t have to worry about listening to Rich Eisen remind you he went to Michigan or Mike Mayock talk about which offensive lineman is the “thiccest”, instead you can go see Avengers: Infinity War. You’re welcome.